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Dr. Radhika Jonnalagedda : Blogs


Proverbial Phoenix of Sorts

Somewhere in her was a screech, all pent up to squall out. Her eyes were searching for an ear. Not just any ear, an ear that has a heart of gold, only the kind that she grew up around.
An unknown and unfair world started unfolding in front of her in quick succession. She was wanting to speak and reason to herself, where there were already series of episodes and aporetic changing hues of persons, all of them who belonged to her. Whom she always longed to belong, like an imbecile.
"The world is insensitive and smutty, you should have known. How would you when you were always in your own world oblivion of all the rawness" was what she heard from all her well-wishers, so-called well-wishers. There was a difference she could tell, she was prepared to take the worst from the 'world outside'. But that was not the world she ever belonged, her closest family was her only world. A world that was supposed to be thick and together in all times. A family, the starting and end of the only world she knew.
The difference was she was flabbergasted to see 'her world' falling apart and getting torn and reduce to ashes, all in a row, while she stood as a helpless spectator, So destitute and forlorn and silent only audience to a dilapidation of a castle in process.
This is what bothered her. Won't it? Is there a justification to break trust in true love? Is there any worth in holding big titles when they mean nothing but a namesake to live in society? Is there any meaning of family when respect and trust do not exist or are threatened at the drop of a hat? All kinds of questions started flooding her mind, a stand-alone mind battling to reassure her life within.
When everything is justified as 'this is the way the world works', what is the point of raising children? Spineless and useless males or females, or children? Ultimately, it is a lonely path, is it what is being hinted? Then why marry at all? So many questions and yet no single hint towards an answer. "Everyone has an agenda, otherwise they don't speak to us?" Really? Then why fit into that definition by force? Someone, something, some God damn person would be there somewhere who is striving to disprove that world is still a beautiful place. Yes, just like her, right from the start, to never take things for granted as if the world owes 'em everything, instead to stand and be bold to think out of the box and live one-up for her/himself and some principles. Not bothering the mundaneness kiss him/her a wee bit, and have a stead fast walk in the direction, a beautiful path that is self-made. And all that carefully woven towards a soul-stirring goal, one which is invincible, quizzically coquettish and intensely alluring.
She searched and searched for that one undaunted persona, and then she met with a pair of eyes, the first time she saw that exact proportion of madness and passion of self-belief. "Oh! Silly me, this is a mirror" she chortled at her own execrable fun, yet for once, un-modest truth, she nudged away always to admit, for the fear of being a victim to ego.
The first pair of beautiful eyes were hers. Did she finally reconcile and stop? No, her search was undeniably on for those pair of eyes that her heart said still existed, somewhere. Not to connect just emotionally this time, but consciously avoid anymore heartaches and potential heartbreaks.
Alas, like a placid lake she found them, she found them one fine day, totally unexpected. But around this discovery came layers of apprehension. Will she be just another person to those eyes? Well, maybe, maybe not. As for her, her world that was once limited to thick family, was unfolding and engulfing around a new centre. And strangely, here was a beautiful stranger making waves right into the core. Sardonic, yet quizzically beautiful to believe. She let the trust in and started to get up and walk, as if her deep self never fell apart. And so silently she walked, all the way building all the broken blocks scattered around her, picking up and layering brick by brick.
Whom was she to please? Just herself. Not letting an inkling out to her so called close ones or even the new pal of hers. Was it even needed? Nope. She felt life again, livable and strikingly resplendent. After all, her own self had to approve of growing back any fallen leaf. Here, she is re-incarnating her tree back, all sprightly and tall. "Let no one be informed, not the guards, not the soldiers, not the advisors. As this finish was directly approved by the queen herself, who toasted towards her new beginnings", thought she, she the queen herself. So she just curled the huge transformation and kept a steadfast pace. Even her most formidable enemies, born and sitting close as a matter of their right as family, wouldn't ever know or doubt. She muttered to herself "I was once scattered to pieces because of a single flaw, to believe true love is confined to family in blood, but now, I shall bury this phase in the darkest folder and slip it into an abyss. True love is unconditional and exists above such definitions, be it family or friend. What is now happening is a new history in the making, to those retrospective eyes. I shall live every second for those future pairs of eyes who'd love to love me, exactly the way I am," and concluded in an affirmative tone, " to your core self, that has engulfed in it the soulful stranger, towards a totally new beginning (unsaid), just to me to assure, I am beautiful, and so is my world, even if it means a handful of them and even if it means it may never be known to that person. It is now my beautiful world."
And with these lines, rose the Phoenix with an air of flamboyance and resurrection.

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About The Author


Dr. Radhika Jonnalagedda


Andhra Pradesh ,  INDIA

For you: Unleash yourself, cleanse yourself and this is better done after you transport yourself and dance in unison with the harmonic tunes of your creative prowess.
 As a kid, the first thing that came to my mind after  I woke up was to write, express and explore...myself, my mind and its supreme captain, my soul.

Li'l about me: Research fascinates me so much so that I it has become the nucleus of my career, informal research about vagaries of human behavior :) will go as long as my cognitive processes cease to operate, let them go on. Touch wood !! :)

Sorry about the Bday info, it bugged me and I 'bug'ged it !!

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